No updates lately due to not a whole lot changing. Plus summer starting and suddenly being very, very busy. Plus being generally sick of analyzing my drinking habits. So when I left off nearly two months ago, I had no PLAN other than being more mindful about alcohol and trying to say no more.
Happy to say I have succeeded in both, but still have regrets some days. Still want to improve.
I feel like alcohol doesn’t hold the same allure for me that it once did. When I have drank lately it’s sometime to numb a few feelings, sometimes to join the crowd, but with more hesitation than ever. I can’t truly enjoy it knowing all that I know, with all my baggage surrounding booze.
I’ve said “no” in the past couple months more than I ever have, on occasions where in the past I would have happily used as an excuse to get drunk. Hosted Mother’s Day at my house – my mom brought wine and I didn’t have any. Went to dinner with my mom and sis and ordered tonic water. Didn’t even feel that much anxiety about it, despite my mom asking “what’s wrong with you?”. Hung out with them on the anniversary of my Dad’s death, AT my mom’s house (always a trigger because there are open bottles of booze!) and didn’t drink. Hung out on an amazing warm summer night at the park with friends who were drinking beer and I didn’t accept one. Went to bed sober many nights when hubs was stressed from work and stayed up to have some beers. (He is still working from home too so all his stress spills over to the rest of the house and I can’t say it’s any fun to have the kids home and try to keep them quiet if he’s on an important call or whatever…)
I also seem to have acquired a skill that has long evaded me – stopping drinking after starting. On more occasions than ever in my life I’ve had 1-2 beers and then didn’t want any more. Didn’t stay up way too late snacking and getting mindlessly drunk. The switch just kind of flipped off for reasons I can’t explain – maybe this past 2 years of reading ALL the things about giving up alcohol have made me not want it so much.
Not to say that I think I’m in the clear. I’m just pleased that overall there is improvement, less drinking, and less obsessing about drinking. But I need to stay mindful as to not fall back into bad habits. There are 39 days until my 39th birthday… maybe I’ll make that a goal for my next update.