Feb. Drinking Recap

Writing my recap before the month is over because I’ve already promised myself I won’t drink for the rest of the month.

I drank alcohol on 7 days in February. Probably 5 of those days I regret. Thoughts about the month:

  1. Hubs has abandoned all “abstaining from alcohol” plans. I don’t blame him, we were awful at doing it together and both sick of discussing it. What this means is there was beer in the house most of the month, sometimes he would have one in the evenings by himself while I was reading or watching my show or whatever, and I’ve gotten more ok with that.
  2. Having beer in the house is a huge trigger for me when the kids are being all crazy and then I feel like I’m an awful un-fun mom for being annoyed so then I want a drink so I am less uptight.
  3. I am really tired of thinking about drinking. One of the reasons for less frequent posting. I waver back and forth all the time between wanting to be healthier and saying fuck it I’m gonna do what I feel like (drink sometimes). Except “sometimes” felt like too much this month. And I know I feel my best when I’m clear headed and getting shit done during the day.
  4. There is lots of reason for hope right now with regards to covid and spring coming. But two of my friends (moms with young children) have breast cancer and are going through chemo. It’s an awful dark cloud and a reminder that we never know what will happen. I don’t want to spend this prime time obsessing about my drinking. But I want to be mindful. It’s a fine line.

Goals for March:

  1. Drink less than in Feb. Keep practicing saying No to my Drinking Voice. I know some will say the only way to shut it up is total abstinence but being that rigid seems to backfire on me. This is what I will try for this month anyway.
  2. Adding another goal here per jacquelyn’s comment – to write a bit more focusing on my wins and progress, not only berating myself for the things I still want to fix!

16 thoughts on “Feb. Drinking Recap

  1. Hmm hard to know what to say to help really. For me personally the only way to stop the ‘thinking about drinking’ was to completely stop drinking. Trying to moderate just let to more obsessive thinking about it. Saying ‘fuck it’ just let to completely overdoing it and feeling mentally and physically crap a LOT. The only answer and solution was sobriety. Then, after a while, I stopped thinking about it. Not in the same way anyway. Booze, or thoughts about booze, stopped controlling and ruling my life. But that’s me. I got totally pissed off with the constant battle going on with myself about it. Now I don’t have that … or it’s very rare. I NEVER thought I’d be able to say that. Seriously, never!! But you are here, accountable and reflecting on how you feel. That’s all good stuff! Keep going. You’ll find your way xx

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    1. Thank you Claire. I don’t expect answers (feel like I’m a lost cause haha) but just continuing to hear others experiences help. You know I have tried over and over to do complete abstinence and failed, so I don’t know… if I don’t have an improvement in March maybe I will try that again :-/

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are not a lost cause, no where near! You are here and trying things out which you should be really proud of! If moderation is the way for you and doesn’t take over your thoughts and life then that’s the way forward. I’d love to be a person that has a drink or two one evening and then never really considers it again for a month or two. I would never be that way and I have to accept it. So my choice is nothing at all and the occasional craving or try to control the intake but think about it constantly. Don’t get me wrong, I stopped drinking hundreds of times. Usually early hours of Monday morning!! I never lasted long .. a few days maybe. I was the ‘dry jan’ failure … failed on 4th jan often! Managed 3 weeks once. This time round it was bloody hard and I doubted myself over and over. But eventually it gets easier and the rewards outweigh any benefit so it becomes a no brainer. It’s just getting to that point that takes so much bloody effort. Keep going, set your goals and be kind to yourself. Xxx

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      2. Thank you so much Claire! I didn’t know you’d tried hundreds of times. It’s easy to look around at all the successful quit lit books and blogs and feel like everyone else just decided to quit and stuck with it even though it was hard. But maybe that’s just the part that gets mostly written about. Because reading about Day 1’s and 3’s over and over isn’t very exciting huh?

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  2. Hug
    I spent a long time wavering.
    I can honestly say that if my ex hadn’t been “encouraged” to go to rehab (we work in a high safety industry and that is step on for anyone with substance abuse) I don’t think he would have ever quit, and maybe I wouldn’t have either.

    I was very depressed and disappointed in myself a lot. I was angry at my inability to control booze when I felt I controlled everything else. I felt broken. Once that feeling began, it only got worse. Maybe I wouldn’t be here if I had kept drinking…

    Have you talked to your doctor? I know I had undiagnosed and untreated severe anxiety and depression and medication, which I started just after getting sober, was something I had clearly needed for many years. I had so much fear.

    Awareness is everything.

    I recently read a poem that said The moment I let go I realized my hands were around my own neck.
    This was exactly it.

    Keep writing. Take all the love and support here.

    Anne

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    1. Thank you so much Anne. The encouragement and comments really do help. I know *something* is changing, although it’s been a slow messy process for me. Although I still seek improvement, there is no doubt my alcohol dependence and life in general is in a FAR better place that it has been probably ever in my adult life. I am MUCH more aware, of my own behaviors, triggers, and of the danger of alcohol.
      I’ve never been prone to anxiety or depression, usually I feel really good about things. Even when I’m beating myself up over my 3 beers or whatever the night before, I generally feel optimistic about life.

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  3. I hear you on the husband-related drinking triggers. Just tonight there was a big full glass of red wine (his) on the counter where I needed to do the meal prep. Luckily I had a bottle of dealcoholized wine on hand, so I just moved his glass over to him and poured myself a glass of the substitute to get past the urge to guzzle the real wine. It doesn’t have that lovely addictive tang of alcohol but then it isn’t poison either… so I’m happy. ;)) So much easier for me when I decide at the beginning of each day that I am not going to drink for this day. One day at a time, as they say. One hour at a time, one minute at a time. You’re doing great. Lots of love xoxo

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    1. Yes! Disentangling my drinking from my husband’s has been a huge obstacle for me since it is something we do for fun together and started out this abstinence experiment together. One day at a time, I just need to make my own path by practicing doing my own thing over and over…

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      1. Same for me, exactly, except that he has not wanted (or maybe needed) to abstain. Alcohol doesn’t affect him as quickly. But in the years I have consciously reduced my drinking habits, so, gradually, has he.

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  4. I think your March goals are perfect! I believe it was back in December I wrote a post titled “decisions while in Limbo land.” ( or something like that .) I think your post here relates to that. You have made awesome strides in drinking and make sure to be proud of that! I just keep trying to move forward, even a baby step is better than no step at all. 😃❤️ ps-Cute picture!!

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    1. Thank you this is super encouraging! I do tend to focus on all the ways I am “failing” rather than what I have actually accomplished. I think I will add this to the goals for March, reflect a little more on the improvements I have made vs how many more I *could* make…

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  5. The only way I ended up getting booze out of my head 24/7 was total abstinence. BUT! Just like there are many different types of drinker, there are also many different roads to sobriety. Your awareness of your drinking is something to be proud of. Although it’s a pain in the arse having booze front and centre by thinking of it all the time, its better this way than for it to be front and centre because you’re getting drunk every day, which is what happened to me in the end. The way I approached drinking eventually led to me getting sober so I wouldn’t change a thing. Everything is, and was, exactly as it should be. And I would say the same for you as well. One day maybe you’ll wake up and it will click, and you will know you’ll never drink again. Maybe it will be a slower process. But I believe that you will get there in exactly the way that you should. Just keep that awareness and trust in the process🙏

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  6. Massive hugs my lovely friend 🤗🤗🤗 love your March goals. I’m the same. Certain drinks in the house (espresso vodka and fizz for me) are massive triggers. I’m right here with you xx

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  7. Hi honey!
    Good March goals!
    Self compassion was huge in helping me. I would sometimes just put my hand on my heart and say, “I am sorry you are hurting.”
    Realizing just being a normal older retired teacher was enough!
    Hugs.
    xo
    Wendy

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