I got my result yesterday afternoon and it’s been a whole mix of emotions. Part relief at finally knowing, a tentative relief hoping we’ve made it through the worst of the illness, a shit ton of anxiety especially at bedtime worrying it will suddenly get worse.
I went to bed early last night but couldn’t sleep and texted hubs downstairs “can you google how to prevent heart attack in your sleep?”. Because when I am anxious (or hungover!) I feel a tightness in the left side of my chest which is worrying under normal circumstances but now…. all the horror stories I’ve heard over the past 9 months running through my brain, remembering how good friends of ours who had long haul covid in March recently had their hearts tested and the husband still has fluid around his….
And a good amount of plain old sadness. Sadness for everyone who hasn’t had it this easy with covid. Sadness for everyone who is spending x-mas without a loved one this year due to this pandemic. For the sheer amount of collective suffering and anxiety this year.
But, I slept hard and long (without a heart attack) and feel better this morning (emotionally – cold like symptoms continue, sore throat is fading but a lot of congestion). It’s easier when there are family zooms scheduled, toys to play with, sun is shining.
And of course I’m thankful alcohol is not even a factor at this point. I remember back to darker more destructive days, years ago, when I would drink when I was sick, citing the medicinal benefits of whiskey or a hot toddy, but of course drinking way more than could ever be considered healthy.
Looking forward to 2021….