Starting Over Again.

And, like clockwork, after feeling so confident at the beginning, I drank again after less than two weeks.

I have to note this time felt different though. It didn’t feel like a rubber band about to snap. It was more like hmmm I am feeling pretty content but this night may be more enjoyable with beer and since hubs is only going to buy a little bit (he is so over committing to a PLAN at this point) perhaps I will experiment and have some.

He bought a six pack of strong beers. Plus one tallboy that was reserved for making onion rings. The first one was delicious, the next two disappeared quickly. I hate the feeling of Wanting. More. Now. Wanting to be More. Zoned. Out. Why would I need to be? What am I escaping from? My life is the best it ever has been with the exception of living in a pandemic, of course.

Then when we’d each had our 3, we went right for the tallboy, no question about it. We both realize this is a problem, it is addictive, and acknowledged so with regret in the morning.

With no plan in place we had a couple more standard drinking nights after that. Turns out it takes a lot of energy to stop doing what you are so used to doing. All the nights in between I have no desire to drink at all. What else can I do but take what little I may have learned from this latest attempt and try again? My goal is 100 days.

13 thoughts on “Starting Over Again.

  1. I’m sorry you lost your sobriety. The good news is, we get to start over as many times necessary until it sticks. Journaling through this process is extremely helpful. I journaled everyday my first year and that’s how you talk yourself through. You may have to set some boundaries with hubs to protect your sobriety. Your goal is a good one. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know ultimately I have to be accountable to myself, but he is actually very supportive and respectful. I know if I don’t explicitly say yes I’ve decided I want to drink tonight, he will not push it or have it around me.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Much of what you write is familiar. My ex and I drank together. Although I often wanted to drink more often, he was absolutely a drunk too. We had a lot of fun over the years.
    The wanting more. The indecisiveness. The trying to limit how much I drank. Switching drinks, drinking water, etc.
    In the end I tried and tried to make drinking work for me, even when it was fairly clear to me that it wasn’t. I was often shaky and red eyed and sweaty with hangovers. I was disappointed in myself a lot. I couldn’t figure out where it went wrong.

    I think deciding I needed a year off was a good thing for me, as even a few short weeks often just convinced me I was ok. I wasn’t ok. I often forgot going to bed.

    But when it was a few months I was actually able to get enough distance from my drinking to see the truth. My life had become small because things needed to fit around drinking. I also had to address an anxiety disorder that could no longer be self medicated.

    Next week will be 7 years. 7 years of freedom.

    Give yourself a chance to see what might be waiting for you.

    Anne

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Thank you, your continued support and patience with me means a lot!! I am in the place already where I know this isn’t what I want, it isn’t working, and I need a good long break. I need to remember if I answer the “this might be more fun with alcohol” voice, I will never find out if it’s actually more fun without it.

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    2. Anne …. this is a great comment and so heartfelt. I connected with everything and your life being ‘small’ because everything else has to fit into what is left after alcohol has consumed so much time and energy… that is so true. It takes time and lots of failed attempts to really start to understand addiction a what the addiction means. It’s taken a year for me to appreciate how addicted I was and how fantastic this freedom from alcohol and my addiction is. Xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. you can start over for sure, it’s a difficult time of year but come here next time you feel like drinking and ask for support if you can? sometimes writing it down helped me realise I didnt want to drink that bad and that it was still a problem

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  4. Keep picking yourself up and starting again. Each time this happens you are learning something new about yourself and your relationship with alcohol. I didn’t start to real,y understand why it was I drank until I stopped for a significant length of time. That is when I gained some clarity because there were emotions I had to sit with and learn how to manage without my crutch. I am still learning which emotions I find so hard to experience but that puts me back in control because I feel them, acknowledge them and move on (after a sobbing snotty outburst or an evening of angst and anxiety …. I’m not a robot 😂😂). They don’t stay with me like they did when I drank. I don’t have that jittery, guilty, regretful fog hanging over me anymore. But it took lots of attempts and negotiations and falling down and berating myself …. you will do it. I can tell you will do it. Pick yourself up, brush yourself down and go again. 100 days … we got you! 😘 💕

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I’m in the same place with my smoking – stopped for 3 weeks then ‘treated’ us for a weekend away – back to every night since. Trouble is doing what we are doing is you do the hardest bit over and over – when I did Kate Bee’s sober school she does a myth busting lesson – sounds like you hold the same one I did – it’s not going to be fun without alcohol – perhaps do some research around that and challenge that more specifically? Good luck! Xxx 💞💞

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  6. SVM 🤗🤗🤗🤗 I thought you might need a big virtual hug. I’m always here for you whenever you need me. I dont think theres anything i can add to the wonderful comments. Completely emphasise I tried to stop so many times before it stuck. I’ve learnt I can not moderate xx

    Liked by 1 person

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