An entire year of bullsh*t attempts.

I found a notebook where I had started to document our attempts to take a break from alcohol – a whole year ago. It’s another example for anyone starting out, how important it is to write stuff down, recognize your patterns, recognize what a tricky trap alcohol can be. It certainly is eye opening for me to sum up this past year:

Starting last fall, after a chaotic summer of celebration (we combined our households in June, buying a new house, selling hubs’ house, and preparing mine to be a rental – SO much work!!) we agreed we’d been drinking too much. In October, we agreed to keep drinking to twice per week. It was so much harder than we’d imagined!

So for November, we decided to do one month sober. This seemed like SUCH a big deal!! Failed on Day 6, our Wed. with no kids, we even went to the gym but “somehow ended up justifying alcohol” as my notes say. We tried to start over but only made it about another week when I decided it was cold and dark and I really wanted to drink with my girlfriends. Totally regretted it.

December – decided to “cut back” to 1-2 times per week over the holidays, then start again in Jan. This month is full of “UGH” entries where I wasn’t going to drink, but did anyway, and regretted it. I remember being terribly hung over x-mas morning when the kids got all their santa presents and feeling guilty about it.

January – Made it 8 nights before caving due to some stress surrounding ex spouses. Then another week AF until we had a long annoying discussion about why are we doing this until we were so fed up talking about it we just decided to drink. Spiraled into drinking the rest of the month.

Feb. – 3rd attempt at doing an alcohol free month! I believe we made it at least 14 days, my notes stop on Valentine’s Day, but not much longer. I remember having a long discussion with hubs that a month wasn’t really long enough for this experiment and what’s the point if we’re going to drink in Mexico at the beginning of March?

March – went to Mexico the 5th – 8th. It was fabulous but I did regret how much we drank and returned that Monday feeling gross and drained. We’d been hearing more about Covid since the beginning of the month but were not too concerned. Until the stock market crashed right when we got home – by midweek people were stocking up on supplies, they cancelled all schools over that weekend, it all happened so fast.

March / April / May were full of fear and confusion, no attempts to stop drinking. At one point early on we thought they might close liquor stores and hubs went out and got a huge stash – including TWO 1.75 litre bottles of booze which I saw and thought “uh oh”. Because I have known for a long time it’s dangerous for me to have that amount in the house – I’d always limit myself to only a half pint. I drank it all probably by the end of May, along with plenty of beer. I remember being so hungover and regretful on Mother’s Day in mid May, sad that I couldn’t enjoy the day with my kids more.

Then in August I started this blog, so the rest is here. But to sum it up, I can’t even remember – we have “started over” like 4 times since then? Never making it past about 10 days.

We have a full week ahead with hubs b-day, Halloween, then the election…. but after that, I am more determined than ever to take a long break from alcohol.

14 thoughts on “An entire year of bullsh*t attempts.

  1. I believe in you. I really think being aware is the key. And let’s think positive, in a year how many days did you go with out drinking, how many less drinks did you have compared to years gone by. I bet if you did the maths it would be really positive. So you should be proud. You’ve taken some really positive steps and cut back loads this year, one of the most challenging years to do it in too ♡♡♡

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  2. You are keeping yourself accountable by being in here. Every day you don’t drink is better than it spiralling out of control the other way. I tried for years (and years) to not drink in the week … failing every single time. I attempted 3 dry Januarys and never managed either. When I first started taking antidepressants over 2 years ago I gave up for 2 weeks to get used to the medication and then drank more than ever before. One day it will stick. Keep going … one day at a time. There will always be reasons to drink, it’s when you discover the reasons to be sober and really believe in them that is starts to work. Onwards and upwards xxx

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      1. You aren’t, so no beating yourself up. In the end I had to just pick a day regardless of what else was happening in the near future. I chose mid November and after just 5 days sober went away for a weekend with 6 other couples to celebrate my brother’s 50th birthday. That would normally have stopped me but for some reason it didn’t. Then I had numerous work and social Xmas nights out, my brother’s 50th party and Xmas and new year. People thought I was crazy to pick a date but actually it was a challenge and I got through it. I would never have found the ‘perfect’ time to stop. I liked drinking too much. Keep going, you will get there, and if it means you drink less because you are making these attempts then all l the better xxx

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  3. I wish I could show you my own journals from 2013. Although I knew I drank too much long before that, 2013 was the year I really realized it was a problem. I was extremely fit and started a workout coaching program. I thought the money and accountability would help.

    Instead it was week after week of excuses about why I was drinking. Plans to not drink,followed by weekends of drinking. Much regret, hangovers and sadness. I did all the work outs and got even fitter. I was an extreme dieter and everyone commented about how much willpower I had.

    Inside it was crushing me. The guilt and anger at myself and denial. I just wanted to find the secret to drinking some. I wanted so badly to keep booze in my life. We had a great life and it was often very fun…but I was compulsive.and lying to myself. And worried that some morning I would be so hungover I would get a dui driving to work. Or my then husband would….and that would have been unbearable.

    I can only say the stopping was very bright and hard, but quickly became worthwhile. And it will be 7 years December 1. I realized some time in that first year that drinking was actually the albatross around my neck.

    They say the hole is where you quit drinking. Today is a great day to climb out.

    Hugs and love.
    Stillness and peace
    Anne

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    1. This sounds so similar – I’m also very health conscious, outside of the drinking. And even if I “moderate” and keep up with my workouts, there is always that nagging voice that dumping a toxin in my body several times per week isn’t right, and that I could feel so much better…..

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  4. I love your honesty – I was in that cycle for many years – half baked attempts then surrendering to it and hidden self loathing. You’re learning every time and you can’t unlearn what you know – one day it will click for you if you really want it to and as others have said you’re drinking less so that’s a good thing! Drink always equalled fun for me and it was when I realised I wasn’t having fun anymore no matter how much I drank it got easier – love and hugs 💞💞

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  5. It can feel horrible stuck in that cycle as others have said. I’ll make one outlandish suggestion- have you considered trying to give up on your own? Without your husband. It just seems that whilst doing it together should be mutual support , the downside is if one cracks, the other will too. If it were just you it might be more sustainable and you become the role model? Just a thought. X

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    1. Ha not outlandish – the other regulars on here have suggested several times I need to go it on my own. I don’t disagree! I told hubs this time it’s for real for me, he needs to make his own choices. He chooses to try again with me. So it goes…..

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  6. It’s so hard indeed. Good luck! I don’t drink, but I’m an overeater and just started on a food plan last week and already yesterday was making excuses to eat stuff I wasn’t supposed to. I totally feel your struggles. I really hope you succeed this time. You have your blog and its readers to be accountable to.

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