“Can’t” feels like a rubber band about to snap.

This is how I was feeling two days ago when I wrote the last post about feeling Meh. Drinking Brain was in full toddler tantrum mode – “CAN’T? Don’t tell me I CAN’T have a drink!! Because I can if I WANT to. I’m an adult and in a very gray mood and there is nothing wrong with having a little bit to drink once every two weeks, everything would feel better right now if we did it with some booze, I don’t even want to drink every night so there is obviously no problem here, RIGHT?!”

The above is an abbreviated version of the conversation hubs and I had as we went on a long walk early Wed. evening. A walk that left us feeling so much better, he is the strong one and said yes I really want to drink too, but we’ll feel regret it if we do. I reluctantly agreed.

Then as soon as we got home he said well maybe I should go get some beer. I was so frustrated and sick of having the circular should we / shouldn’t we discussion I said fine just do it already.

I didn’t even finish this half pint (4 units?) of whiskey and still felt gross the next day. And then we drank yesterday night too, because… there is beer in the house and no PLAN to not drink it!

(Tried to insert my pic of almost finished half pint but that’s how bad with technology I am I can’t even figure it out.)

Ugh. ugh. ugh. I want to do this. I really really want to. Looking back to that walk two days ago it was like some strong force had totally taken over my mind. And then the next day (I’m quite disconnected sometimes and don’t do internet on my phone) I read all your lovely comments on my post telling me this is normal and the first few weeks are the hardest…. and knew I needed to start over. AGAIN.

14 thoughts on ““Can’t” feels like a rubber band about to snap.

  1. Hey Mama xxx I found that facts on alcohol really helped me with those first few weeks.
    Forgive me as I cannot recall the specifics and suggest you do your research however what I really took out of reading up on Alcoholism was that the repeat ‘drinking seshs’ has burnt a neurological pathway into my brain that lead me to believe what I was about to do was fun and joyful. And the pathway purposefully didn’t contain record or hangovers and crippling anxiety. It is a legit trick your mind plays on you. Its a lie. And it’s so so very hard to re tune this pathways. But that really resonated because I know that pre drink feeling, justification is easy, but every time I would regret. And it really pissed me off my brain was lying to me.enough to be stubborn to myself and tell me no lol

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Externalise the voice telling you you want to drink – call it what you want – mine is the wine witch or Gollum! Addictive voice recognition is the technical term – as long as you see that as your own wishes, thoughts etc it will get you every time. Each attempt you are learning something so don’t despair – you’ll get where you want to be! Xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So you know my favourite quit book Jason? In it (or ot might be Catherine Greys book) it states your brain has to make new pathways when you quit and the more you attempt it the stronger the pathway is out of not drinking, so it becomes second nature. So a pathway starts out as a little footpath building into a major highway. So I think don’t despair, you’re just laying the concrete for your awesome sobriety highway. I’ve actually just read TheDriedRose comment half way through writing this so great minds. ♡♡

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes I think it was Catherine Greys book. The pathways metaphor makes SO much sense. I recognize looking back now that it is just that our sober pathway is still very overgrown and that night we wanted to make no effort to clear it…. just taking the easy well worn alcohol path. Metaphors aside, like, literally nothing else sounded good to do that night. If I could have only gone to yoga… now there is one well enough worn path (yoga = relaxation). I miss my classes so much. I suppose I could have done it at home, but not the same. Feeling very weak minded about the whole thing, but hopefully it is just a step to getting stronger next time.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I only started yoga in lockdown so all I know is using videos online and at home …. I absolutely love it. I’m totally hooked. Your tube … adriene. Look her up. There are hundreds of videos. Also the app ‘daily yoga’ … it’s fab. Give it a go xxx

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Try not to beat yourself up. Follow the advice in the comments above and go back to the sobriety literature. You can and you will do this. I know I have mentioned before about doing this jointly with your husband but I honestly think for both of you it would be best to be independent in your attempts to get sober. It’s like anything you try to do or give up, if you are both resolute then it’s fine, but one wavering can sway the other. The alcohol voice will do its best to persuade you to drink. You don’t need to add that to his voice of temptation or he to yours. Just a thought. Keep going. Don’t give up. You can do this. Xxx

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